Before starting my rant, let me just say that I am a Texan, born and raised here in Bryan, and I call numerous cities throughout the state home. Just like every good Texan, I wear cowboy boots, go to high school football games, and stop at Buccee’s on every road trip without fail. 

I grew up here, and I plan on dying here (not any time soon, hopefully). But the one Texan thing that just doesn’t sit right with me is one of the most “Texan” things that you can find on this side of the Mississippi: Whataburger.

I don’t care how many people want to fight me; I will not back down from this. While I may face severe repercussions from my friends, family, and certain journalism teachers, this is the one thing that I hate wholeheartedly and with a passion.

The blind support behind Whataburger is insane, even coming from Texans, who are known for their pride. But supporting a burger chain that doesn’t make good burgers just because they are Texan-born is a justification I just can’t get behind. While everyone is entitled to their own opinion about Whataburger, everybody else’s opinion is wrong and I’m right.

Let’s start with the worst feature of Whataburger, which is their burgers, ironically enough. Even just writing about those flat, flavorless, wannabe Krabby Patties makes my stomach turn. I have a list pinned up to the journalism room wall about the twenty-plus burger chains that serve better hamburgers than Whataburger (and yes, before you ask, McDonalds is still not on that list; I have standards). 

I’ve been told by Whataburger aficionados that I know to ‘Get the burger with more toppings’ or ‘Put spicy ketchup on it; it changes everything,’ but no, nothing works. And when I say nothing works, nothing works. I have drenched my burger in spicy ketchup, spicy mustard, or any spicy condiment that could give me a little bit of taste or flavor, but what do I get? A soggy and depressing burger, that’s what. Waterburger tastes like a water burger.

I don’t know what those cooks are doing in the back of the kitchen, but it clearly has something to do with making sure to remove every tasteful part of the meat, causing it to be drier than the Sahara desert. What exactly makes Whataburger’s burgers worse than those of other fast food chains like Burger King or Sonic? Well, besides the fact that Whataburger’s hamburgers taste like cardboard, they are somehow compressed into flat slabs of meat, cheese, and bread. 

Other burger spots have rounded tops and thicker patties. The burgers at Whataburger, and yes, I’ve measured them, are almost exactly an inch tall. An inch. Why should I have to pay seven dollars for an inch of the burger when I can get my five-dollar Biggie Bag over at Wendy’s for a bigger and better burger, fries, chicken nuggets, and a drink? Nothing about Whataburger makes sense. Why is this chain trying to make me pay for an outrageously overpriced burger when it looks like I just ran it over with my truck?

Another issue that I have with Whataburger is their drinks. Besides the fact that most of their sodas are sugar-free, they usually don’t have a wide variety of drink types. They don’t have Fanta, Powerade, or even Pepsi. I don’t love all of these drinks, but can I please have an option besides Coca-Cola products? 

The other thing about Whataburger’s drinks: the styrofoam cups. I hate styrofoam cups. How on earth did the Whataburger managers decide that styrofoam cups were the best way to serve up drinks? The styrofoam just sucks up all the flavor in the drink. It’s comparable to drinking sugarless and water-downed lemonade dipped in paper. Styrofoam cups suck.

However, there is one thing about Whataburger that is more disgusting than any of the aforementioned problems: Whataburger just ain’t Texan anymore, y’all. I hate to say it, but it’s true. There are Whataburgers in every part of the country now. I’m not saying that having locations in other states constitutes something as non-Texan, but it has gotten to the point where it shouldn’t be referred to as Texan. Whataburger was born a Texan but apparently has no plans to stay one forever. Whataburger even has locations in far-out states like Nevada, Colorado, and Florida, with no plans to stop expanding any time soon. Whataburger plans to open a double-digit amount of locations in North Carolina and South Carolina by the end of the year. Now, I don’t know about you, but that sure don’t sound Texan to me.

Whataburger has a lot of problems in its existence, and I would fight anybody and everybody in the parking lot right now if I had the choice. Unfortunately, I am forced to write an article in a high school newspaper instead. 

With Whataburger’s problems ranging from flat burgers to styrofoam sodas to a fake Texan identity, I will never fully understand why so many people enjoy it. But I guess I’ll just be content with eating at any of the other twenty fast food burger spots in town while y’all can just keep eating cardboard and drinking sugar-free soda.