Criminal cookie: Identity theft harms taste buds, creates mass confusion

Shannon Keyser

What happens when you combine two of the most delicious substances on Earth, chocolate chips and cookie dough, into one amazing food? The answer: you get a chocolate chip cookie! This classic treat has always surpassed others of its kind in popularity, including sugar cookies, white chocolate macadamia nut cookies, and even the famous snickerdoodle. Of course, every cookie wants to be like this star. Because of that, a devious substitute has emerged, tricking people into eating it as it masquerades as a chocolate chip cookie. Yes, I am talking about none other than the evil oatmeal raisin cookie.

The oatmeal raisin cookie has lived in the shadow of the chocolate chip cookie for many years and has made every attempt to convert chocolate chip cookie lovers across the globe. Instead of a sweet, delicious sugar cookie as the base, the oatmeal raisin cookie has mashed up oats at its core. Luscious, smooth chocolate chips are replaced by dried grapes. Why would any person favor this imposter when the chocolate chip cookie is clearly superior?

Yet, somehow, this fraud, this fake, this charlatan, has gained a foothold in the dessert world to the point where people put oatmeal raisin cookies and chocolate chip cookies on the same plate! First of all, oatmeal raisins are completely out of chocolate chip’s league. Secondly, they look so similar that many times I’ve picked up a cookie and bitten into it only to experience bitter disappointment at best and utter revulsion at worst. This should not be. In fact, chocolate chip cookies shouldn’t even be competing with the lower-class oatmeal raisin. Why?

The oatmeal raisin cookie is a product of people attempting to make desserts healthy. Desserts are not meant to be healthy. In fact, desserts are practically made to be unhealthy. They are designed to be sweet and delicious, the price being that the consumer is aware that what they are eating is not good for them. Oftentimes, the better tasting the food, the worse it is nutritiously. When people try to make a dessert healthy, it goes against the natural order. In the end, you still have a food that is unhealthy and doesn’t taste as good as one that is still unhealthy but tastes wonderful. Logically, if you are going to be unhealthy, get the stuff that tastes better. Never do things halfway.

Now, upon taking a look at chocolate chip cookies, it becomes obvious how superior it is to the detestable oatmeal raisin. Whether the chocolate chips are gooey and melting or they are cool and crisp, the chocolatey goodness is never diminished. The cookie around it can range from just plain sugar to chocolate, depending on how committed to chocolate a person is. There are thousands of varieties, but all of them still contain the wonderfulness that is chocolate chips.

The chocolate chip cookie has been not only an American tradition, but a worldwide one. Since their creation in the 1930s during the Great Depression, they have been celebrated and consumed by many happy people. The chocolate chip cookie is oftentimes what people first think about when they hear the word “cookie”, and for the oatmeal raisin to make even an attempt to step in is horrifying and literally disgusting. To allow these classics to be taken over by a lump of oats and dried fruit is an infringement upon the chocolate chip’s domain. Join the protest against the criminals of the dessert world!