Get back in the box: Tips to help extroverts be more quiet and reserved

To all the extroverts out there, isn’t it hard always being the most outgoing and friendly person in the room? Do you ever sit at parties and think: “Wow, I just wish I wasn’t so good at talking?”

There are countless articles titled “Tips for introverts to become more extroverted,” but what about the extroverts who want to be less social? How will they cope with the fact that they are outgoing and friendly?

Don’t worry! I have a few helpful tips that will shut you up and keep you inside for days!

1. Reflect on all the things you have ever said in your life

This already brings you closer to being an introvert. For introverts, the constant fear of what you say being taken the wrong way or made fun of keeps you from talking too much or even at all. Extroverts love social interaction and conversations, but in order to branch out, you must be open to never talking again. Although this may be scary at first, this new form of self consciousness will help you become a better person.

2. Completely shut off your friend group

This may be a hard decision to make, but complete seclusion from all social circles will make you a more reflective, silent, and socially awkward individual. If you have no friends, there is less chance of accidental socialization, and the deafening silence of being alone will make step one so much easier. No more annoying and loud talking! Now you live peacefully knowing that your thoughts and actions won’t be intrusive to others. But not too peacefully, you do have the anxiety of what you do say to keep you up at night.

3. Only post on your social media every 3 months

Since you don’t have friends anymore, it’s difficult to find anyone to do a photoshoot with you. Instead, you must resort to selfies taken under bad lighting with a Snapchat filter over top. In fact, the more bland the photo is, the less likely people are to try and start a conversation with you about it. The final step to this one is to delete the photo two days later because it got 10 less likes than your last photo and you’re afraid that no one liked it and that no one likes you. 

4. Don’t be afraid to reject party invitations

Attending parties means socialization, which is not good if you are trying to move away from your extroverted personality. Party invitations may be tempting, especially when they come from your crush, the one with the dreamy eyes who you have slowly gotten closer to over the months,  and word on the street says that he likes you too, you cannot, under any circumstances, say yes. Instead, you can watch Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, or just read a book. May seem boring, but the more useless the task, the slower the time will go by, which is the ultimate goal. 

5. Find a good Netflix show to binge-watch

Now that you have no parties to attend and no friends to hang out with, you need to find a good show to binge-watch. Although the new hotshot streaming service Disney+ is amazing, Netflix has been loved by introverts since the dawn of time. The range of genres allows for you to pick from comedies, love stories, sad stories, and even Adam Sandler films. A particular favorite among introverts and extroverts alike, are shows like The Office and Parks and Rec. However, if you choose these shows to binge-watch, your new favorite characters have to be Toby and April.

6. Only drink coffee, water is not a necessity

Disregard all heart problems, caffeine sensitivities, and anxiety disorders – coffee is the only way to achieve happiness. This dark, bitter, caffeinated beverage ignites a fire within introverts that cannot be stopped. The sensation of an oncoming heart or panic attack is essential to being introverted. Think of it this way: the worse you feel, the less likely you are to go out and be social. Coffee breath is also a great people-repellent. Keep in mind that coffee is not your only option for caffeine. Bang energy drinks also exist, with a whopping 300mg of caffeine per bottle! That’s 60% of your daily recommended amount!

Once you have followed these six steps, you’re all set to be a new and improved person! No longer will you enjoy parties and other social events. Staying inside to read or to watch three seasons of Jeopardy will provide a sense of fulfillment that social interaction could never create. Isolation, caffeination, and no socialization are key to being an introvert. Now that you’re prepared, you are ready to tackle the world. 

Kind of… Like, not really, but you know what I mean. 

Real talk though, encouraging people to change their personalities and become more “social” or “likeable” even when they’re not hurting anyone is not okay. The problem with articles that provide “Tips for introverts to become more social” is that it makes people believe that introvertedness is bad. Just because some people would rather stay inside and watch Netflix than go to a party doesn’t make them inferior. Let people be who they want to be, as long as it isn’t hurting anyone. 

Kind of sappy, I know, but completely disregard everything I just said because:

INTROVERTS ARE SUPERIOR!

LONG LIVE THE INTROVERTS!