New life, unknowns create stress

Maybe it’s hormones or maybe it’s just me being paranoid as usual, but I honestly expect the worst. I’m not saying having a baby is horrible or anything, but I do think that my life will change dramatically.

I expect my baby to be as difficult as I was, both in the womb and growing up. My mom swears up and down that my daughter will forever be my “karma”.

I’m already in love with her, that’s for certain. I feel her everyday, playing monkey bars with my ribs and taking jabs at my lungs. She’s a fighter alright and extremely energetic. I complain about the pain, but I’ll go through any pain and heartache as long as it’s benefiting my daughter.

Knowing you created something that can grow up to be something great like the first woman president, the next Marie Curie, or something terrible like the next Amy Gilligan, the woman doctor who killed 5 men and over 40 of her patients, is both frightening and exciting.

I want to see her beautiful face and feel her little hand grasping onto my pinky. And when I look at her, I’ll know I made that. I gave her those eyes, and I brought those ten fingers and toes into this world.

She was an accident, yes, but never a mistake. The only thing I wish for is for her to be happy, I can’t save her from her first heartbreak or any disappointment that comes out of life, but God knows I’ll try. Before I die I want to know that I did everything I could do to make her, not only successful, but happy. Can I skip the difficult task of actually getting there though? In case you couldn’t guess, I’m not looking forward to the inevitable labor.

I expect labor to be indescribable pain and horror. The stories I’ve heard about babies coming out feet first and having to go under the knife and literally have my placenta flopped onto my stomach while my baby is being cut out scares me to no end. Again, these hormones are not helping my already paranoid view on things. I need everything to go smoothly, but with my luck it won’t. When it’s finally over and they hand me my beautiful daughter, I’ll let out a huge sigh of relief and then the real work begins.

Knowing my daughter will always depend on me till the day I die is a great feeling. I think she’ll always need me and I will always need her. I’m so excited to have her in my arms and start my journey of motherhood. It’s also the most terrifying feeling I’ve ever encountered. An up hill battle that won’t end till the day I die.